Tremendous Sadness

Wed, Mar 2, 2005

Feeling a tremendous sadness. I cover it up with anger, hostility, and separateness, but I’ve broken through to the “genuine heart of sadness” to many times now to fool myself for long. When the release comes, it comes in waves, pouring from the heart region, shaking my body violently. Tears stream forth and all I can do is feel into it more deeply.

I realize how afraid I am, in one wave. In the next I realize this fear isn’t just about me. I actually say, “There is a lot a pain, but it isn’t all mine.” Yes, the fear, contraction, and pain of the entire world needs to be felt, but how can I possibly hold it all? The answer: I can’t. I can’t, but that doesn’t mean I won’t try.

In the end, compassion arises in harmony and union with the suffering of the world, all of it acting in and through me. I am a channel for manifestation, both the shadow and light… The witness can stand back and watch, AND this duality demands attention.

This post was written by:

Vince Horn - who has written 832 posts on Numinous Nonsense.

Vince Horn lives as a modern monk. He spends part of his year in silence, meditating, introspecting, and developing spiritually. The rest of the time he spends engaged in the world, where he produces and hosts the popular show, Buddhist Geeks, works in the production department of the spiritual publishing company Sounds True, and writes for various publications—including on his personal blog Numinous Nonsense—and enjoys living in Boulder, Colorado with his wife Emily. Read his full bio here.

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3 Responses to “Tremendous Sadness”

jc (ebuddha) Says:
March 3rd, 2005 at 10:59 am

I know this space. You aren’t only dealing with one’s own sadness, but also levels that are universal. As long as you don’t drown in it, the courageous choice is to be softened inside by the sadness, and meet the world with this exposed sensitivity and compassion, along with your strength.

I feel you, brother. I feel you.

GKW Says:
March 7th, 2005 at 10:39 pm

Amen. I know the hinterlands of that realm, but I keep skirting the edges. I keep holding back at the edge, seeing the chasm and refusing to jump. I break down, certainly; but I know the unhinging that I’m skillfully avoiding. It’d be nothing short of screaming, convulsing, and crying like a madwoman; no senses, no reason, no mind, just grief streaming through.

…And I just don’t think there’s space for that in a Naropa class, y’know? Or on retreat, or any place I’ve been on a cushion when it begins to ebb inward like the tide against the high breakers. I do release/experience some of the pain in a contained sort of way, but I still hold back from what would appear to be, I’m certain, a complete and total freak-out. I feel I’d actually be really capable of being there with it, and find myself also in the abode of the vast serene awareness while simultaneously thrashing…but I’d totally scare my meditation group.

Vince Says:
March 8th, 2005 at 3:33 pm

Yeah, that seems to be the biggest challenge, not the feeling it necessarily, but chance to feel it in a safe environment. I don’t think there is one to be honest, and I’ve had these sort of cathartic breakdowns on the cushion, not because I felt safe, but because at that point I had no choice. Thanks to both of you for your heart-felt sincerity!

jc (ebuddha) Says:
March 3rd, 2005 at 10:59 am
I know this space. You aren’t only dealing with one’s own sadness, but also levels that are universal. As long as you don’t drown in it, the courageous choice is to be softened inside by the sadness, and meet the world with this exposed sensitivity and compassion, along with your strength.

I feel you, brother. I feel you.
GKW Says:
March 7th, 2005 at 10:39 pm
Amen. I know the hinterlands of that realm, but I keep skirting the edges. I keep holding back at the edge, seeing the chasm and refusing to jump. I break down, certainly; but I know the unhinging that I’m skillfully avoiding. It’d be nothing short of screaming, convulsing, and crying like a madwoman; no senses, no reason, no mind, just grief streaming through.

…And I just don’t think there’s space for that in a Naropa class, y’know? Or on retreat, or any place I’ve been on a cushion when it begins to ebb inward like the tide against the high breakers. I do release/experience some of the pain in a contained sort of way, but I still hold back from what would appear to be, I’m certain, a complete and total freak-out. I feel I’d actually be really capable of being there with it, and find myself also in the abode of the vast serene awareness while simultaneously thrashing…but I’d totally scare my meditation group.
Vince Says:
March 8th, 2005 at 3:33 pm
Yeah, that seems to be the biggest challenge, not the feeling it necessarily, but chance to feel it in a safe environment. I don’t think there is one to be honest, and I’ve had these sort of cathartic breakdowns on the cushion, not because I felt safe, but because at that point I had no choice. Thanks to both of you for your heart-felt sincerity!

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