The Pendulum of Practice

Thu, Sep 1, 2005

As I was driving home yesterday, I realized that I Really love life. I love the drama, the friendships, the occasional bullshit, really just the whole thing. I love to learn, to become more skillful, to reach out and learn how to give myself completely. Granted I’m far from “there”, it’s still an amazing and quite poignant process.

Now why do I mention this here? Not for the sake of just mentioning it, but because this thought led me to examine a couple other things which are intimately related.

One was that I recognized a “life-denying” twinge that accompanies my meditation practice. Since my practice occupies a lot of my time, it’s definitely had an effect on the way I view life (or rather the way I view the phenomena that arise, which I perceive as self, world, and other). Basically, I spend a lot of time trying to see life as flicking sensations that are impermanent, do not satisfy, and are not-self. Um yeah, that’s Buddhist meditation for ya! But what happens at times, is that this turns into a life-denying practice, where there is a small amount of frustration, aversion, & resistance towards my experience. I guess that can be one of the shadow-sides of an ascending practice.

In any case, in 3 weeks I’ll be heading off for a 6-week meditation intensive. The closer it gets, the more I realize how amazing my life is, and how much I’m interested in growing and appreciating the fullness of life. I suppose there is a kind of swing between these two poles, and that this swing is totally normal. Back and forth between Emptiness & Fullness, the pendulum of practice swings. And on the shadow-side, a swing between Rejection and Clinging. To accept and penetrate every point of the pendulum—that is what it’s about for me right now.

This post was written by:

Vince Horn - who has written 803 posts on Numinous Nonsense.

Vince Horn lives as a modern monk. He spends part of his year in silence, meditating, introspecting, and developing spiritually. The rest of the time he spends engaged in the world, where he produces and hosts the popular show, Buddhist Geeks, writes for various publications—including on his personal blog Numinous Nonsense—and enjoys living in Boulder, Colorado with his wife Emily. Read his full bio here.

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12 Comments For This Post

Rob Says:
September 1st, 2005 at 11:04 am

I really resonate with this, and as I think about it more and more, I’m beginning to see where all this talk about the shadow, psychodynamic work, work on other “bodies” of consciousness, and Big Heart–seeing how all of this can, in some cases, really make or break spiritual practice.

So, I think, a lot of how we handle _meditation+life_ hinges on our actual experiences and subsequent conclusions of our spiritual insights. Sometimes, when out and about and “in” life, I feel the same way, as if I’m missing out on a lot of the story; that, in fact, I am NOT re-entering the world with greater openess and experiencing in a greater richness. I get bummed out and begin to wonder if it’s worth it.

But there are other times, where I become so totally dissolved in the Witness, that I look around and notice everything in hte soft hue of comedy. Nonsense, it all seems, and because of this, I can begin to see this Life–this body, emotions, memories, relationships–as literally, something NEW. Something newer than what is witnessing. With this comes the feeling that “Holy shit, I think my life just started right now,” and in that moment, however long it lasts, I sincerely feel that life IS NOT rejecting me, nor I it. This place really is bubblegum.

Vince Says:
September 1st, 2005 at 3:10 pm

Very beautiful Rob… What a stunning description of what practice is about.

I checked out your LJ just now. Noticed you moved to NC recently, which is where I lived for the first 2 decades of my life. I lived in Asheville, and went to college for a few years in Raleigh. Small World. I assume you are probably going to school at UNCW if you’re in Wilmington. Is that correct?

Rob Says:
September 1st, 2005 at 3:52 pm

Actually, I’m going to do a year at Cape Fear Community College, ’cause I’m poor

It’s a decent deal, too. The campus is located in the middle of downtown, perfectly situated for classrooms to look out at the bay and docks. A lot of the professors that I have also teach at UNCW. I may go there after I get this Associates, but I won’t have residency by then (which sucks), so I’m open to any suggestion, in-state or out. Right now, it’s tough to align myself with any curriculum that doesn’t resemble the integral objective, and I’m sure you can see where I’m coming from.

Vince Says:
September 1st, 2005 at 7:07 pm

Sounds great Rob… Yeah, it’s very tough not being able to have an “integral curriculum.” Maybe one day.

Shawn Says:
September 2nd, 2005 at 6:44 am

Hey Vince,

Love the new site man - looks great!

Great post, your pendulum references reminds me too of the ‘being’ and ‘doing’ swing that I struggle with balancing at times. I feel sometimes I can just be mindful/aware of all that is arising and just hold that space but then poof something is happening in my life and I’m caught up again in the ‘doing’ (not that doing is bad, just feels incomplete sometimes). Finding that balance and level of just being mindful and acting from that space seems to be a challenge.

Also, with the shadown side my relationships have really brought out the fear of intimacy/rejection swing these days in reaction to a more clinging swing in the past. Interesing things to explore in one’s life and practice for sure! Thanks for sharing.

shine on,

shawn

coolmel Says:
September 2nd, 2005 at 3:26 pm

as our buddy Steve Jobs learned:

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Vince Says:
September 2nd, 2005 at 3:41 pm

Who knew Steve Jobs was such a Mystic? Mel, you ought to write a book entitled Quantum Questions, but this time with Quantum being in reference to Quantum Computing power! See where I’m going with this?

ebuddha Says:
September 2nd, 2005 at 3:56 pm

Very good post - I vibrate with this completely. I spent much more of my 20’s in “anti-life” path of “escaping” through meditation, only in my thirties have I accepted life - well, a little bit more.

Also, congrats on the site. It looks great - you’ve also incorporated some nice features, while maintaining simplicity and clarity.

Rob Says:
September 4th, 2005 at 2:35 pm

You’re new blog inspired me to do the same. http://rob.nuane.org

Vince Says:
September 4th, 2005 at 2:39 pm

Nice site Rob… Looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds!

duff Says:
September 7th, 2005 at 2:53 pm

Your new blog is so pretty I’ve got a serious case of blog-envy.

And as far as this post goes, I think that’s why I avoided meditation from ages 17-23. I noticed the tendency towards escapism in myself, so I worked much more on stuff like the debilitating social anxiety and depression I had at the time.

Vince Says:
September 7th, 2005 at 3:37 pm

Thanks Duff! I’ve still got a bit to go with the blog. Maybe work a little CSS Magic to spruce it up, but yeah… Thanks for the comment!

Rob Says:
September 1st, 2005 at 11:04 am
I really resonate with this, and as I think about it more and more, I’m beginning to see where all this talk about the shadow, psychodynamic work, work on other “bodies” of consciousness, and Big Heart–seeing how all of this can, in some cases, really make or break spiritual practice.

So, I think, a lot of how we handle _meditation+life_ hinges on our actual experiences and subsequent conclusions of our spiritual insights. Sometimes, when out and about and “in” life, I feel the same way, as if I’m missing out on a lot of the story; that, in fact, I am NOT re-entering the world with greater openess and experiencing in a greater richness. I get bummed out and begin to wonder if it’s worth it.

But there are other times, where I become so totally dissolved in the Witness, that I look around and notice everything in hte soft hue of comedy. Nonsense, it all seems, and because of this, I can begin to see this Life–this body, emotions, memories, relationships–as literally, something NEW. Something newer than what is witnessing. With this comes the feeling that “Holy shit, I think my life just started right now,” and in that moment, however long it lasts, I sincerely feel that life IS NOT rejecting me, nor I it. This place really is bubblegum.
Vince Says:
September 1st, 2005 at 3:10 pm
Very beautiful Rob… What a stunning description of what practice is about.

I checked out your LJ just now. Noticed you moved to NC recently, which is where I lived for the first 2 decades of my life. I lived in Asheville, and went to college for a few years in Raleigh. Small World. I assume you are probably going to school at UNCW if you’re in Wilmington. Is that correct?
Rob Says:
September 1st, 2005 at 3:52 pm
Actually, I’m going to do a year at Cape Fear Community College, ’cause I’m poor

It’s a decent deal, too. The campus is located in the middle of downtown, perfectly situated for classrooms to look out at the bay and docks. A lot of the professors that I have also teach at UNCW. I may go there after I get this Associates, but I won’t have residency by then (which sucks), so I’m open to any suggestion, in-state or out. Right now, it’s tough to align myself with any curriculum that doesn’t resemble the integral objective, and I’m sure you can see where I’m coming from.
Vince Says:
September 1st, 2005 at 7:07 pm
Sounds great Rob… Yeah, it’s very tough not being able to have an “integral curriculum.” Maybe one day.
Shawn Says:
September 2nd, 2005 at 6:44 am
Hey Vince,

Love the new site man - looks great!

Great post, your pendulum references reminds me too of the ‘being’ and ‘doing’ swing that I struggle with balancing at times. I feel sometimes I can just be mindful/aware of all that is arising and just hold that space but then poof something is happening in my life and I’m caught up again in the ‘doing’ (not that doing is bad, just feels incomplete sometimes). Finding that balance and level of just being mindful and acting from that space seems to be a challenge.

Also, with the shadown side my relationships have really brought out the fear of intimacy/rejection swing these days in reaction to a more clinging swing in the past. Interesing things to explore in one’s life and practice for sure! Thanks for sharing.

shine on,

shawn
coolmel Says:
September 2nd, 2005 at 3:26 pm
as our buddy Steve Jobs learned:

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Vince Says:
September 2nd, 2005 at 3:41 pm
Who knew Steve Jobs was such a Mystic? Mel, you ought to write a book entitled Quantum Questions, but this time with Quantum being in reference to Quantum Computing power! See where I’m going with this?
ebuddha Says:
September 2nd, 2005 at 3:56 pm
Very good post - I vibrate with this completely. I spent much more of my 20’s in “anti-life” path of “escaping” through meditation, only in my thirties have I accepted life - well, a little bit more.

Also, congrats on the site. It looks great - you’ve also incorporated some nice features, while maintaining simplicity and clarity.
Rob Says:
September 4th, 2005 at 2:35 pm
You’re new blog inspired me to do the same. http://rob.nuane.org
Vince Says:
September 4th, 2005 at 2:39 pm
Nice site Rob… Looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds!
duff Says:
September 7th, 2005 at 2:53 pm
Your new blog is so pretty I’ve got a serious case of blog-envy.

And as far as this post goes, I think that’s why I avoided meditation from ages 17-23. I noticed the tendency towards escapism in myself, so I worked much more on stuff like the debilitating social anxiety and depression I had at the time.
Vince Says:
September 7th, 2005 at 3:37 pm
Thanks Duff! I’ve still got a bit to go with the blog. Maybe work a little CSS Magic to spruce it up, but yeah… Thanks for the comment!

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