I dear friend of mine, after reading my first retreat reflection asked me quite frankly, “so how will this affect others?” My first response to the question was one of slight annoyance. I think subtly I get frustrated at this question, because on the one hand, spiritual practice isn’t done in order to change anything. It’s done because there’s something fundamental and deeply vital, which needs to be resolved and one really has no choice but to resolve this nagging “problem.” One might describe the problem as, “suffering,” or “duality,” or perhaps even “sin.” It’s a problem that has to do with why things aren’t quite right, when it seems they should be. I’ve experienced some form of this nagging as far back as I can remember, and spiritual practice, to me, is about coming to understand this problem and its resolution completely. And it’s done, paradoxically, by coming to accept that everything is as it is. I know as an idea this is completely counter-intuitive. As I said, it is a paradox. But as a practioner, it makes total sense, and I’ve begun to see that nothing else will resolve this core problem.
So from one perspective, I see changing things, or the impulse behind wanting to see things be other then they are, as rooted in ignorance & delusion. But on the other hand, not making things different, not wanting things to get better for myself and others, is total foolishness. That’s why when the annoyance of the question settled, I realized that this is a deeply important question. At some level, I even get the sense that the fundamental crises of duality and the impulse to want to see things change are not so independent. But it would be too easy for me to talk about Compassion, and the way in which this amazing impersonal quivering of the heart unites emptiness & form, and resolves the issue altogether. Easy, but not honest. I’ve had momentary experiences of wanting to change, wanting to give to others, to hold other’s pain for them, which were very genuine, and seemingly disconnected with self-striving. But those make up probably only a percent of a percent of my actions. Maybe even less than that. Mostly, I’m acting from very self-centered intentions. I want my mom to take up spiritual practice, because then I’ll have someone to share my own amazing spiritual stories with, or I write an article on my blog so another person might see what a deep and caring person I am. My intentions are rooted in ignorance, desire, and aversion. There is no question. I’ve seen this clearly enough to become quite skeptical of my own intentions, and so when someone asks me, how my retreat is going to affect others, my response is this:
I can’t control how it will affect others. I can only notice self-striving and contraction in myself from moment-to-moment, and have faith that this will lead to liberation from this contraction, and that this liberation will benefit others.
But really, what I’ve seen through practice is that there’s no one to liberate, and no “I” who’s noticing the contraction, and hence no “others” to help, and that is the strangest thing. It’s all just happening, and there’s no one driving this bus. But all the same, this isn’t a permanent recognition, and this certainly hasn’t resolved my problem completely, it has only for short periods pointing out the obvious fact that there was no problem to begin with. As a friend of mine says, “The spiritual path is wrought with paradox.” How true.
hahaha. you certainly did answer it. just had to throw it out there you know. i know what you mean, well, at least conceptually.
as Gandhi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
i don’t see any paradox there
Thanks Mel Dawg…
When one person opens spiritually, the whole world benefits. When one person goes all the way Home, the world benefits greatly.
Don’t be so hard on yourself…life is what it is. And, some days are better than others. On those days, just say thank you and smile. It beats the alternative, but then again, it took me 3 years to get used to being forty!
Trouble was, by the time I got used to it, I no longer was! Life’s a bitch, doncha’ think? Stay open, but not too much. You don’t want to be a sponge; after awhile they get awfully dirty.
Beautiful reflection. Heartfelt and sincere.
Personally, having lived in the “no one is driving this bus” perception, interpreted incorrectly, yes, you develop an ease with things as they are, but a certain lassitude towards action that needs to be taken, can also happen. (You can trust me on this, but premature awakening experiences happening to a lazy narcissist – well there is quite the potential for trouble when you come back to “the real world”…)
This is why – referring to your previous post – there is the ethical modality training that is reflected in the do’s and don’t's, and in the heart practices.
Good point eBud. It seems like the interpretation of this perception is key right? I think it’s all to common for there to be a sentiment, among practioners who haven’t yet started to see that there isn’t any”one” behind this whole processs, that they will see that this “oneness”/emptiness/voidness and that this perception will carry with it obvious ethical implications.
Dude, that hasn’t been my experience at all! In fact, it’s been sorta the opposite at times. I’ve felt distinctly disconnected from people, seeing their otherness as a sham, and really not knowing exactly how to engage with them as a result. Should I buy into their story of seperateness, so as to relate, and get lost in the sea of suffering that this otherness automatically suggests? Or is there a way to live in both words?
Let me also say that this has changed quite a bit over the past couple of weeks, as I’ve been propelled back into the ficiton of my life, where the story of Vincent matters once again. All the same though, I didn’t have any clear ethical understandings (or helpful interpretations) that came from this perception, nor did my heart center open in any specific way. I suppose that is where a strong foundation in sila (morality training as you said), and then some practice that allows the heart to continue to open, is needed in order to live a healthy/sane life in the midst of this shocking recognition of utter emptiness. Perhaps living in such a way, could also give rise to the recognition of simultaneous fullness. Why is the non-seeking mind not seeking anyway? Because, it isn’t lacking, ie. is FULL. This is part of the equation to I’m guessing.
Thanks for the comment!
another vipassana retreat?! damn. you guys are crazy
enjoy the plunge.