How has the Practice Changed?

This is a little stream of consciousness reflection I did several days ago. It was an interesting reflection, because it helped me spot what (if anything) has actually changed as of coming back from retreat last November.

The practice has changed since the long retreat. How? The three characteristics are directly understood, not ideas which I believe in, but are related to my understanding concerning the nature of phenomenal reality. Nothing can satisfy ultimately, because it’s always changing, and because there’s no one driving this bus.

The practice has become more subtle. Bringing attention to the flow of sense experience is more natural, and happens a good deal throughout the day. There is less resistance to “practicing,” because in any moment I can see what’s arising. What else is there to do?

The practice has clarified itself. Doubt and confusion are themselves states to be examined and penetrated. Not state or thought is holy or worth holding onto.

The thought of a goal is but another passing event. Desire arises with the thought, in a complex dance of self and goal, but even that is something to investigate.

I feel drawn to do more long practice. Retreat promotes a depth of investigation.

What has changed? Nothing has changed. All of this is a game, a fake watcher watching fake thoughts. Where am I going? Nowhere.