Numinous Nonsense

[This article was originally written for Precision Change.]

Much of personal development work has to do with our relationship to the world and ourselves. New challenges and opportunities are constantly arising, both internally and externally, and how we are conditioned to relate to them will largely determine the degree of peace and happiness we experience in this life.

What I’ve observed is that there appears to be three main ways that individuals can relate to the world, and that is either as victims, with full responsibility, or with integrated responsibility. The other thing I’ve observed is that this is largely a developmental process, where we move through these levels and at each new level there is a greater experience of freedom, flexibility, and happiness. In this series I’ll take you through a guided tour of each of these levels and also give you specific tips on how you move from one level to the next.

The Victim: Everybody has Got it Out for Me!

Victimhood is the predominant mode of being that we must initially fight to overcome. The world is so complex and crazy, especially when we’re younger and we’re still trying to figure things out. It’s no wonder that the first relationship one might have to that world is one of feeling victimized by it. It can feel at times that things are happening to us, that our completely outside of our control. And with that lack of control comes a phenomenal amount of fear, resentment, and anguish.

Oddly enough, sometimes the victim’s stance is take credit for something when it works out but then to feel deflated and depressed when it doesn’t. In this way they bounce between excitement and fear, being completely at the whim of outcomes. Also, they don’t really see there part in the “struggle of life”, or rather don’t see how their own beliefs and habits end up shaping their experience of life, and their participation in it. They are caught in a battle—with themselves and the conditions of their life—and it’s a Chinese knot that gets tighter with each new pull.

Full Responsibility: If It’s to Be It’s Up To…

At some point, one may realize that they are experiencing a tremendous amount of pain being the victim to conditions outside of them. If they realize this and then are exposed to the possibility that some other alternative exists, i.e. full responsibility, then there is a chance that if they have the courage to do so, they can begin to shift their relationship to life. The shift must be radical though.

Full responsibility is a movement toward beginning to think and act in the world, as if, you (or some other) are %100 responsible for what occurs in the world. Everything outside is seen as a reflection of this power, which can either be your individual power or the power of some Other (i.e. God). One’s mantra becomes, “If it’s to be it’s up to me” (or it’s up to God), and thereby begin to identify and work with the heart of the causality in the universe.

This radical movement begins to sever the victimized mentality that came before, and one now feels empowered to act in the world in whatever way they choose. This empowerment often brings with it a heightened sense of confidence and unshakeableness. No matter what happens, I can choose to relate to the situation in a fully mobile way. In this way we can begin to unwind and change the personal habits that no longer serve us, and we see that it is within our capability.

The other thing that full responsibility does, is to allow us to see the world not as a force that acts against us, but that one that works for our greatest good, either through our individual action or faith. One could argue that putting your faith in an Other (especially fully) is actually an extreme case of victimhood, but in reality it’s the opposite. When one looks for instance at the vow that Mother Theresa made—perhaps the most fully devoted woman of our times—to “Not refuse Him anything, under pain of death”. To truly fulfill this vow, and to put one’s faith in an Other fully, one has to exercise an extreme amount of self-reflection and is acting out of the same kind of responsibility that one who is seeing themselves as the source of all things is. In either case we’re dealing with some sort of ultimate power (whether it’s localized internally or externally) and that remains radically different from the stance of the victim.

Here are some tips for how, if you are operating from the role of victim, to move toward full responsibility:

Tips for Becoming Fully Responsible:

• Take the perspective that you are responsible for everything that happens - In every situation imagine what it would be like if you were ultimately responsible for everything. How does that change the situation, and the way you choose to respond in it. If for instance your partner and you get into a fight, you can ask yourself, how was I responsible for this fight? Instead of immediately blaming them, or becoming a victim, look at the ways in which you acted that helped to cause the situation. Then from there instead of perpetuating the fight, you can take responsibility for it.
• Take the perspective that a benevolent Other is responsible for everything - If you come from a background of faith, and feel a strong resonance with it’s teachings, try seeing everything that occurs in the world, including your own bad habits, as being in the hands of a benevolent being. Consider that everything that happens is for your, and others, greater welfare. Your practice then becomes to surrender fully to everything that arises, seeing that it is all an act of benevolence, even if you don’t know why, and you seek only to act in ways that in accord with this benevolence.
• Speak a language of responsibility - Notice when you say things like, “I have to…” and begin thinking, and speaking in terms of getting to do things. Also, notice how often you speak in terms of “you or they did this” and begin also speaking in terms of “I”. Instead of “She made me feel this way” one could instead say, “I choose to feel this way.” These shifts in language have a tremendous impact on our experience.
• Hang out with fully responsible people - Spend time with others who are already seeing the world this way. Find friends, mentors, and teachers who exude this degree of responsibility, and find out what makes them tick. Emulate the best parts of them, and step into greater freedom.
• Take new risks! - We’re always dealing with new challenges and opportunities, but part of what we did when were a victim was to try and isolate ourselves from those things, because they were seen not as opportunities but as threats. Now we can more fully engage with things we might not have otherwise tried, such as a new job, travel, a new skill, etc. Personal development becomes possible at this point, so give yourself to it fully!

The next post deals with yet another level of responsibility, one I’m calling integrated responsibility, and also gives tips for how to achieve it.