I’ve found that as my spiritual practice has developed, the highs and lows of life have been freed up to flow as they will. Some days I experience states of clarity, bliss, and joy. Other days I experience misery, hopelessness, and fear. And then the experiences change, and the next thing arrives. I’ve come to see that these changing states are simply part of the cycle of life, the expansion and contraction of both the inner and outer worlds.
It gets interesting, and also tricky, when someone asks me how I’m doing during a difficult period, and I’m honest with them. “Oh, I’m feeling really edgy and irritated right now,” I say. Usually people don’t know how to handle that kind of response. They may try and find a reasonable explanation for the “problem,” or suggest solutions for fixing the state, or be terribly upset for me. “Oh damnit”, I think, “I should have just said I’m feeling fine.” But sometimes I don’t want to lie. I just want to share my experience with another person, letting it be known and accepted for what it is, in the still space between us. But most people don’t yet know how to do that.
What I’m trying to take from this observation is that I have an opportunity to give others this same gift that I long for. Instead of reacting to what appears to be an unhappy mood or a difficult mind-state by asking “what’s wrong?,” I’ve been exploring what it’s like to either give the person space to feel their feelings, or simply say, “It looks like you’re feeling sadness.” No judgment, no reactivity, just a simple acknowledgment of what’s so.
I’ve found this approach to be so much more intimate, because then I can just be with that person in their moment of pain. It’s as though I’m gently whispering, “Yes, I too know what it’s like to feel fear, to feel anger, to feel despair.” Compassion arises naturally from this practice, and mindfulness extends from the inner world to the outer. The Buddha originally taught mindfulness of both, explaining that it isn’t only our own internal suffering that we ought to attend to, but also the suffering of others. This, I’ve been finding, is the bridge from focusing solely on “my liberation” to having a genuine concern for the welfare of others. It’s with this in mind that I offer a deep thanks to all those people who have offered this gift to me—I know it was freely given.
Hi Vince,
You’ve reminded me of the phrase “happiness independent of conditions”, as used by a few teachers, AFAIR. I suppose maybe it’d be better phrased as “radical acceptance independent of conditions”; given happiness is itself, a conditional affair.
Thanks all of the Great Work you’ve done.
Thanks for sharing this Vincent. I’ve been having some similar insights lately. Especially in my marriage, but in other relationships as well, it’s been a huge shift for me to offer to others that which I long for, instead of focusing my attention on how to get it for myself, which too often involves resentment and fruitless attempts at control.
That said, I still really long for an iPhone, but I doubt giving one to my wife will lead to inner peace. Or will it…?
Great piece, Vince.
What I’ve found — rather, what I am finding — is that the separateness of MY suffering and YOUR suffering is illusory. In truth, it is always OUR suffering. This insight, as you well know, is a serious game changer.
I’m finding the same – it’s very intimate. Just making space for whatever is here and allowing that its own unique expression doesn’t mean it’s a heavy trip just because its a difficult mind state that we or another are presented with. It just allows a more direct and unmediated connection – without getting caught up in twisting and turning to make it go away. I think the difference it makes is that we really hear that other person, and being heard and understood seems really important in this life.
Thanks for sharing.
Vince:
The active listening approach is very effective; but I must modestly point out that “a free gift” is a redundancy, and I would make the same point about “freely given.” If the “gift” isn’t free, it’s not a gift; its an object of barter, a quid pro quo.
Also, in those bad times, it’s important to deeply appreciate them; to fee them fully. It is our human experience, and it’s like Woody Allen said about 80% of life being just showing up.
My point is that there sometimes are gifts that are not freely given, they have strings attached to them, or what people consider a “gift” is actually them trying to manipulate or change another person’s experience, hence the distinction.
very nice, thanks
Thanks Vincent; I’d say we’re in agreement.
Thanks for this, Vince.